Afraid of the Dark

For a long time I felt like I was lost in the dark.

I can't remember exactly when it happened, but I know it started small, deep down, and burst out like a firework.

At first I was afraid of the dark, like anything new and unfamiliar, it was scary and I didn't understand it. While I was in it all I could do was wander around searching for it to end somewhere. Every new step felt like a risk, not knowing if the floor would fall out from underneath me, or if I would finally break through the edge. It all felt so fragile and at times it felt like a curse I could feel spreading, leaving small traces behind to infect anything around me because misery loves company. But actually, it was none of those things, it was something much more powerful.

The Dark

Since noticing the dark, I had been doing everything possible to escape it, but nothing ever seemed to work how I imagined it should have. The harder I tried the further in I fell deeper into it.

I kept doing project after project, attempt after attempt, idea after idea, and on and on and on, like ramming a square peg into a round hole just to make it fit. I assumed by achieving some kind of positive outcome it would be the cure I was searching for. Looking back, there was always a small feeling that something wasn't right. Even if what I was doing did genuinely interest me. my gut was misaligned with why I was doing it in the first place, and that feeling was trying to signal that. but I kept ignoring it. I thought all those pursuits would be worth the reward and the reward would be the thing to free me.

It wasn't until I finally paused and embraced the dark and when I did was when I noticed the change.

The Change

The change wasn't instant but it did happen rather quickly.

I stopped trying to escape. If anything I wanted to stay in the dark. I stopped trying to force everything to work and mainly stopped doing what I thought I should be doing and started just focusing on what felt right to me, without thinking about how it could benefit me beyond that.

When I let go of expectations I started to see small glimmers of hope I hadn't seen before. They seemed to be attracting me toward them and lifting me up. By giving into the power, I had gained all the power and the dark began to reveal what it really was.

What I Learned in the Dark

I learned that in the dark is when you're the most free and the expectations were what was in my way all along.

The dark was never an unfavorable place. It is actually a shield that casts over you to protect you from all the outside noise. Inside the dark is an invisible world, a safe place, where there are no expectations and helped me see clearly what actually mattered.

Once I let go and stopped trying to force it, those glimmers started to lead me somewhere new. Everything started to make sense again and fell into place on its own, but I have also been thinking that maybe this was part of it all, like a test or a trial the dark gave me and the reward was not something I could touch but instead feel.

Everything before this was not for nothing either. Even if every attempt did not fully make sense at the time and never worked how I wanted it to, it seems like all those things are starting to overlap in ways I couldn't have expected, but now seems obvious. Without experiencing all those different things I don't think I would have been able to see it the way I do now.

The only way out was through and all I had to do was stop and listen for a moment.

Omens

I first learned about omens from the alchemist. Basically, they are signs from the universe that appear when you are following your own path and when you are on that path, the universe has a way of conspiring in your favor.

I think that is the real power of the dark, not just a shield to protect you from all the outside noise, but a place to make you see clearly what your path is when you are lost. But the omens won't last forever, if you drift off your path, or ignore them for too long, they will start to fade back into the dark and you might find yourself lost again, having to face the trials all over.

Just the Beginning

Even though at times it felt like there was no end in sight, being lost in the dark was just the beginning.

I wouldn't say I'm completely out of the dark and I don't know if I ever will be, but that's okay, because I'm not afraid of the dark anymore. Now I'm afraid that one day it will suddenly vanish as fast as it bursts out, and I think that would be a shame.